How could you do this to me? ?
After everything I’ve sacrificed for you, after all I’ve done. ?
I gave and gave and gave, and it was never good enough for you. ?
Must be nice to have time to have fun. ?
How can you just sit there when there is so much to be done? ?
.
.
.
.
Have you ever found yourself thinking, saying, or hell even screaming these things through your tears?
Anger that comes out dripping with resentment, pain, and contempt.
I have.
Not just once.
Not with just one person.
Not through just one “rough patch”.
Over and over again.
.
.
.
.
Codependency is good at making it seem like what I do for you is proof that I care.
That love exists in the space where I get smaller as I make more room for you.
That the sacrifices I make some how reinforce the words “I love you”.
The pain and the pleasure are so endlessly intertwined, they seem like one.
It’s not real though.
It’s just a distraction from what we all really crave.
I no longer live in a world where love is synonymous with sacrifice.
When you look at the person you gave it all up for, and ask them how they could do this to you, after all you’ve given them, what will you say when they point out that they never asked you to?
Think about it: They never did. That’s the kicker. You offered.
Not usually by asking, but by taking over, but stepping in, by assuming.
I wonder, did doing all of that, giving all of that, actually make them FEEL LOVE? Did it make me?
If I stop focusing on what I DO, and take a look at how I’m BEING, it’s quite a different picture.
Do you get more value out of the person I can be, or the things I can do for you?
If I list everything I’ve done for you, does it fill you with warmth, and fill me with pride?
Are we more connected?
Are we respectful, passionate, loving, EQUALS?
Is that what you wished for when you fell in love with me?
.
.
.
.
.
Let me ask you this: If I could DO these things for you, or BE these things, which would you take?
THINGS I CAN DO ✅✅✅
Buy
Fix
Work
Plan
Worry
Stress
Fold
Wash
Tell
Advise
Inform
Improve
Shop
Organize
Manage
Make
Arrange
Cook
Take Over
Sacrifice
Critique
Refrain
Subjugate
Fill Out
Remember
Step In
Carry
WAYS I CAN BE ❤️❤️❤️
Respectful
Clear
Kind
Admiring
Passionate
Accepting
Complimentary
Aware
Listening
Present
Affectionate
Open
Excited
Safe
Sensual
Connected
Forgiving
Compassionate
Empathetic
Attentive
Warm
Steady
Would you rather have folded clothes, or a kiss that let you know you were desired?
Would you rather have a hot meal, or a safe place to be yourself?
Would you rather have someone tell you what you need to do, or someone who looks forward to you walking in the door?
Would you rather someone accept you, or sacrifice for you?
Would you rather be seen, heard, and embraced, or never have to pay your own bills?
Do you want me to fix it for you, or respect you enough to let you fix it yourself?
Do you want me to believe in you, or take care of it for you?
Which ACTUALLY feels like love?
Which would I want from you? TRULY want?
I know my answer, and it changes EVERYTHING.
.
.
.
.
I can only DO so much before it changes what I have the room to BE.
As I cross the items off the list, I hate you a little more. Every line building a wall. Who do I become? Where does all that hate go?
The tasks are easy to measure.The sacrifices are easy to track.
There can always be a winner and loser if everything can be checked off a list.
I am move valuable because I do more, it’s right there on paper.
I’m winning on paper, but losing inside.
I can’t keep score on BEINGNESS.
Nothing to track. Nothing to throw back in someone’s face. Nothing to resent.
I can’t hire someone to BE but I could outsource everything I DO.
How valuable is it really then?
If you could replace me with a maid, a chauffeur, and a credit card, how much does it really matter?
I made myself replaceable. What a f*cking waste.
Anyone can DO.
BEING is priceless.
I am not what I DO. Please do not love me for it.
I am so much more. I have more to give than I could possibly put on a list.
I’m fire and rain. I’m sunsets and stars. I’m dreams and desires.
Everything I am cannot be contained. Nothing that can be replaced.
Here is to redefining everything ???