Honest post time. Why am I alone at an event I drove 3 days to get to? Why am I hiding out while the other couple hundred people are dressed up and out on the town?
Because I finally snapped today.
Full break down at least a year or two in the making.
Today I faced the fact that I have been focused on the wrong things and I have lost my way. I am ready to start the climb back to myself.
Traveling is fun, being all over the place is an incredible way to live, and I wouldn’t trade the last year of my life for anything. I connected with so many important people and saw so many beautiful things.
However it comes with sacrifice. Less hours working my business, less income, less control over my environment and surroundings. Less of a lot of things.
As I took the journey of losing weight, becoming a leader, growing as a person, and finding myself as a good wife, I had some things that helped me be me. Some are small and trivial sounding, others more meaningful.
I had an amazing EMDR therapist, I had a great mentor from the personal development world, I had a success partner for my business, and close relationships with like minded people.
I also had a great waxer, an eyelash woman I adore, the best tanning salon in all of the US (and I can say that now LOL), a nail lady that I could count on for years, and a shoe collection that would rival a small store :p
I got massages, had acupuncture, worked with a naturopath, and spent as much time as I could at seminars for personal or professional growth.
As we started getting closer to the wedding, a lot of that got shelved because of budget, and once we were on the road it ALL got shelved because of time and money.
Things you don’t think about but DO matter, like I gave up things like high heels and getting ready for date night, because heels take up too much room when all your stuff is in a car LOL. Living in yoga pants is great and all but…
I ate well and worked out if we were somewhere for a while, but I definitely ate more gas station food in the last year than I have in my whole life combined before this. Overall things are FINE. I didn’t gain a TON of weight, I didn’t spend ALL our money, I didn’t do anything so drastic that things are BAD.
They just aren’t GOOD and that’s not okay. I will not settle for FINE.
At some point I stopped investing in ME and eventually I stopped truly investing in others. With absolutely no concern for my needs, I was telling the world that I wasn’t important, I didn’t matter, and I wasn’t proud of myself.
Even worse, I have been telling myself that with my actions.
I have not been the leader, or person, I want to be because I lowered the standard on how I treat myself, and by putting my needs last, the people who’s needs I was putting first, were actually being let down the most.
Today I decided it was enough. I am putting myself first. I decided going out and drinking or eating. when I would be much better served with a night alone and massage at the spa, would not be putting my needs first. I know I “should” be team building and people will ask where I was. I’m okay with the answer.
I spent the afternoon reading bios of EMDR therapists in Austin and contacted one that I connected well with. I reached out to a long time good friend, who recently got into life coaching, to set up our first session. I started looking up places on yelp for things like nails and such.
They are all such small things, but the sum of letting them ALL go has been catastrophic to my soul. I stopped dreaming and as a beacon of hope for so many, that is the worst thing I can do, for all of us.
I turn 34 on Tuesday and I’m telling you all right now, with no hesitation, that this is the year my needs come first. This is the year I keep my workout schedule without fussing over my husbands, I cook food I want to eat without focusing on budget and making compromises, I start my day with personal development and end my night with reading for pleasure. I will have an awesome working environment and I will take my profession SERIOUSLY. I will treat my business like it deserves to be treated. I will unapologetically share my passions and feed my soul.
I MATTER.
MY NEEDS ARE VALID.
I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THAT.
This is the year that I demand the respect for my needs, not only from others, but MYSELF.
I hope you’ll join me in this mission for yourself <3