I’ve been deeply struggling with something the last 5 months, that I wasn’t sure I wanted to share.
Honestly, I thought it was really, well, weird.
After sharing so much with the amazing people at our conference this weekend, and seeing how much it helped people, I felt like it was time.
I also had a rainy 4 hour drive home to think about it, and still wanted to share lol, so here goes.
You’ve probably seen me mention how I don’t like TX, and joke about the terrible weather or insane bugs =P
I’ve been pretty clear I want to get back to San Diego as fast as possible.
There is a little more to it than that.
Almost as soon as I got pregnant, being within about 3 feet of my husband made me physically sick.
Like as close as a drivers seat, and passenger seat, is way too close.
After some googling, and talking to my midwife, it apparently just happens to some women. Some times it is a husband, or another child, or a beloved pet.
No amount of diet changes, new hygiene products, laundry soap, toothpaste, or excessive showers he tried, made the slightest difference.
He had joked that I now have super powers and he should go to the doctor because he probably has a rare disease that I can smell =P
The joke was funny. The complete sense of being totally alone is NOT.
Most people know that physical touch is my love language. I don’t really want to talk out my problems, I really just want a nice quiet hug.
The kind where I don’t need to even use words.
I am going through one of the most physically uncomfortable, and emotionally charged experiences of a woman’s life, and it’s like he’s not even here, because I am keeping so much distance.
Not having anyone here, to just “be” with, has been lonely to the point of almost debilitating. No one who I don’t have to share any words with, but I can just “be” near.
My pregnancy reality is NOTHING like I pictured, and processing the disappointment has been harder than anything I can remember in recent years.
It’s led to fights, doubts, fears, and so much more, in such a short period of time.
I thought about just going to California, while he stayed here, but I felt like I’d be cheating him of something as a father, to miss the pregnancy part. Not that either of us are getting much out of that this way.
About a month ago, at what felt like the hardest part of things, I turned my focus outwards.
I threw myself into starting my 100+ pounds to lose group.
I personally connected with over 100 women, and deeply dug into their lives, completely focused on them, and what they needed, to see if they were right for the group.
I poured my heart into every single email, text, and message. I put a ton of effort into making the group amazing, and bonding with each of the members.
This ended up being the best thing I could have ever possibly done.
I hear people say all the time, “How can I help anyone else, if I can’t even help myself?” and I’m here to say that, FOR ME, the only way I can help myself, is to help someone else.
When I am helping other people, and really digging into their needs, I am not thinking about myself at all.
When I hear people’s dreams, biggest fears, and circumstances, it is almost impossible to be wrapped up in my own crap.
How can I stay in my head, over thinking, or over analyzing, my problems, when I’m totally present with another human being who is being open and vulnerable?
Someone who has trusted me with their next steps toward a better life.
There is no way! I’m all in on them. They have ALL of me in that moment.
As a result, the one thing I felt like I was missing, is able to be filled back up a little bit. That CONNECTION. I feel all of it.
The human connection, that breaks up the isolation, is in my life in abundance, when I am helping others.
Giving these women hope for their lives, has put so much hope back into mine.
I absolutely love what I do, and I’m told so often that I’ve “saved” people.
I don’t really think enough people realize how much they save me right back, every day, but choosing to change their life with me.
Service from a place of love, is an incredible escape, from pain.
I wonder, if maybe your problems might seem less severe, if you were helping other people with theirs?
Or if maybe you took the focus off your issues, through service, and living your own passion?
I’m not sure if any of this strikes a chord, but my coaching is huge source of happiness, and support, for me right now, because so many people are choosing to let me help them.
If you have been waiting to reach out, this would be an incredible time to hear from you, seriously.
I don’t know if this will get better anytime soon, but I do know I don’t ever want to imagine my life without my incredible team, my challengers, the Team Beachbody community, and of course my Facebook Family, to be there when things are hard.
THANK YOU <3