I Am Playing Small Right Now and It’s Horrifying

Posted by | April 21, 2016 | Blog | No Comments

I am playing small right now and it’s horrifying. I feel like all the struggles, that have been my training ground for greatness, are going to waste.

It’s exceedingly clear that I have been blessed with the most incredible gifts, and I’m hiding from them. Lying to myself, telling myself stories, holding myself back.

Are you doing the same? Do you know why?

I had this in my heart yesterday, and I was hoping to form it well, since I told you I’d share something real today. Finding about Prince’s unexpected passing actually compounded my thoughts on the subject quite a bit.

Most of you know I struggled with our move to Austin, with my business while we traveled, and my weight when I quit drinking. None of that is news.

The thing is, stuff around here was really really good. My business was thriving again, my husband and I were feeling connected,

I found myself finally feeling like I had friends and a community here with the gym, my fellow coaches, girls from Facebook, and church.

Even now I’m doing amazing on my health and fitness journey and feeling good. Even got some compliments on how I’m looking at the gym today!

So how did I handle all of this amazingness? I withdrew. I pulled back, I stopped doing what was working. I started focusing on all the “things” I had to “do”.

I had to prove myself right. Right about the lies I tell myself about so many things!

I had to reinforce my limiting beliefs that if I take care of me, everything else falls apart.

I had to prove to myself that money is only abundant temporarily.

I had to make sure I was reminded that any success I have is a fluke, because I’m not actually capable.

I found myself really “busy” all of sudden. I had so much to “do” all the time, out of nowhere. Turns out that was a load of crap too.

I wasn’t busy, I was FILLING MY TIME WITH MEANINGLESS NONSENSE. I was focused on trivial time sucks that don’t matter.

I became obsessed with making sure the dishes were done before my husband came home. I was worried if the carpet was vacuumed or the floor was swept each day.

I made meal plans that required trips to 4 stores instead of 1 or 2. Complexity that was totally unnecessary. I spent time making appointments, making phone calls, running errands and organizing those pesky Tupperware lids.

I was making lists, about making lists, and spending time making a calendar of all the things on said lists.

I was going to get something from a store, instead of ordering online, to save a dollar or two. Wasting 30-60 minutes for a couple bucks, like my time is worth nothing.

SERIOUSLY WHAT THE F*@%?!

Instead of using my God given talents, my hard earned experience and my passion, I was f*#&@!%$! making sure all the clothes were clean.

WHY!?!

I’ll tell you why.

Because it’s impossible for me to fail at bullsh*t.

Yep, all that stuff that a monkey could do, I can do it better. I can win at being mediocre, I can excel at the meaningless, I can come in first place in the the things I’m already good at.

THERE IS NO RISK IN DOING THE THINGS THAT ANYONE CAN DO.

THERE IS NO RISK IN DOING WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO WELL.

The only risk lies in doing those special things that ONLY YOU CAN DO. Using your gifts is one of the scariest things you can do.

All that happiness and success was headed my way and the risk was too great. The fall from greatness is just too far, the fall from average, that wouldn’t even leave a mark. Much safer.

Now maybe, your incredible talent is grocery shopping, or housekeeping, or something else that I am not passionate about. That is awesome, that is your gift, and you should do it, hopefully for a living, but I should NOT.

There is nothing wrong with me having my groceries delivered, hiring a housekeeper, having an assistant for my business, or leaving the dishes for my husband to when he gets home.

Yes I CAN DO ALL THE THINGS but choosing to do that is a huge waste of what I am MEANT TO DO.

I have a way of stirring change, of evoking emotion, of seeing into someone’s soul with just a few sentences from them.

I have a critical and solution oriented mindset, that allows me to be thoughtful and strategic in the most amazing ways.

I am also a creative soul that draws inspiration from the most unlikely places and I can bring people together to create incredible environments.

I can help people see things in themselves they didn’t know were there. I have the power to take a spark of hope in someone and fan it into an incredible flame.

I have to LET GO of the millions of little things that I CAN do, so that I can make room for what I was MEANT to do.

I refuse to use empty tasks as a validation for my worth, or an excuse to avoid success, anymore.

I sincerely hope, if you hear any of YOU in this, please reconsider where you are spending your time. Life is so very short <3



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