This bathroom selfie of me popped up in my Facebook Memories last week and just sighed.
I was instantly sad for the girl in that pic. Then my husband commented that I never dress like that any more. I think he was sad about it too, for different reasons hahaha =P
I quickly responded that I shouldn’t have been dressing that way 5 years ago either. Not because it wasn’t “appropriate” or I was too old or some nonsense like that.
I don’t roll like that, you do you, I’m not shaming anyone. I just know for ME these two pictures are of two very different people.
I was dressing like that because it had been so many years since I felt valuable, loved and worth anything, that as I was losing weight, I HAD to show it off.
I was probably 65 pounds down in that pic, and as much eyeliner and cleavage as I could muster, was always the name of the game.
Bathroom selfies in bars were apparently acceptable profile pics and make up, short skirts, and high heels were a must.
I desperately NEEDED validation. Needed approval, recognition, etc. I just wanted to matter, I didn’t really care why. Anything to get noticed.
I used to start a fight when I was feeling unloved or ignored. I used to rely on manipulation to get my way. I used to judge, use guilt, and hold people emotionally hostage.
Then I’d wonder why I wasn’t happy.
I have sought approval my whole life. Putting all my value in a grade, an income, a title, a number on the scale, or how much I was liked.
The more work I could do, the more money I could spend, or the more sacrifice I could make for you, somehow meant you owed me, so you’d HAVE to love me.
Good Lord what a mess.
It is so interesting to me, that the more I was RESPECTED the less I need ATTENTION.
The more people valued my CONTRIBUTION, the less I needed DRAMA.
The more I made my life about SERVICE without care for who got the credit, the more I really did MATTER.
The more I truly LOVED, the more I felt LOVED <3
It is really nice to be in a place where I am so comfortable with myself that I can ask for what I need, listen to others, give without circumstance and love so deeply without fear.
Please know that doesn’t happen because you workout. There is no workout, diet pill, or meal plan that can fill that hole for you.
Not all transformations are physical, and not all physical transformations will change you.
Personal growth is the KEY. Books, classes, coaching, Benchmark, seminars, EMDR therapy, you name it. If you want to be a different person you have to learn a different way of THINKING.
Don’t forget to work on the WHO YOU ARE while you are focusing on “what” you are.
Happy #ThrowbackThursday <3
P.S. Some of the Best Books IMO: