Do you? I do, and for the longest time that girl seemed impossible to reach. For the record, I started crying writing this, soooo consider yourself warned.
I have some very specific moments from my childhood that shaped me dramatically. It doesn’t take that much to squash the spirit of a child.
In first grade my teacher put my desk outside because I wouldn’t stop talking to the other students. I was very advanced and I finished my work quickly, which led to a lot of issues. I was SO social and wanted to know EVERYONE!
That was when I started to realize that being friendly and intelligent would make me an outcast.
I used to hug everybody. This means everyone, up to and including car salesmen. At some point, as a young girl, I had to be told that that wasn’t okay.
That was when I started to learn that affection is meant to be conditional and “appropriate”, which still leaves me craving physical touch (my love language) today but not acting on it.
My mom and a roommate we had living with us when I was young, were watching TV, and one of them offered me $5 to go through the whole show without asking any questions.
I began to realize my curiosity was not always welcomed.
I recently asked my mother what I wanted to be when I grew up, and she said that it was nothing specific, I just wanted to be loved.
Looking back at it now, I think it’s because every way I wanted to give love, and be loved, wasn’t the “right” way. I would say that more than loved, I wanted it to be okay that I was who I was.
I wanted to be accepted.
I never did fit in, and I could write you a list of 100 more moments, but you get the point.
As I grew up, the only place I fit was with all the other people that didn’t fit anywhere. Drinking, drugs, food, and partying were places that I could fit.
When I found my way to fitness, it was one of the hardest transitions of my life, because at almost 300 pounds, suicidal, bankrupt and recently divorced, I REALLY didn’t fit.
I was SO SCARED.
Then I started building a team of people around me. A team of other people who didn’t fit, but really wanted a positive life.
I found the other people that were drinking, and binge eating, and thinking of taking their lives, or struggling to make it, and I said hey guys, maybe there is another way.
Maybe we don’t have to fit, maybe we can create our OWN space and help EACH OTHER.
And you know what? WE DID.
My team is not full of people who have 6 pack abs (although it seems like all the guys do, heyooo :p) or have never struggled with weight at all.
We’re not perfect but we love each other hard and we accept each other, while we push each other to grow.
Our team has gotten as big as 1000 people and we are a straight up island of misfit toys I swear LOL.Real people, real results, real struggles. I wouldn’t trade that crazy bunch for the world!
This is my sweaty workout picture for day 46 of 90. This is me checking in with you on #babiesbeforeburritos yes, but it’s more than that.
There is someone who you were, before the world told you who to be. GO GET HER <3