I found myself frustrated AGAIN yesterday. A thought that’s been creeping up a lot lately popped into my head. I thought to myself: Why am I STILL struggling?
Life is not usually this hard for me. My struggles are usually so much more temporary. I freaking hate posting about struggles. I was like, my people are going to go look for a coach who has their sh*t together pretty soon LOL.
It had been 5 months, if not longer, of one step forward, two steps back. Of hard days, late nights, lack of clarity and more. Wanting to escape, feeling like I’m screwing up, and being totally confused. I keep waiting to “feel like myself again”.
Then it hit me. I actually started laughing out loud because I felt like it was SO obvious. Huge duh moment. I’m just growing!!!
More than that, I feel like I’m about to be born. The confusing constant struggle is like that of a seed that has started growing but is still underground, trying to break through, or a baby bird in an egg, just pecking it’s way out, having not yet made a hole big enough to get out. This realization was a huge relief, I immediately felt so much peace.
I’m struggling, because I’m becoming something new. I have NEVER taken on so many new things at once. I mean like seriously never. I’m never going to feel “like myself again” because I’m slowly becoming someone totally new, and I don’t know what it feels like to be her yet! I’m searching for a feeling I used to know, instead of embracing what is being created.
A new city, a new fitness program, starting the journey toward parenthood, supporting a spouse through school and a new job, exploring a new relationship with spirituality, examining sobriety, building a new community, and learning a new way to lead current followers, staring a new business, and reviving a business that had lost some momentum, working with a new life coach, and finding a new therapist, all on one plate.
That’s my life right now, and I think it’s totally fair that it seems like a constant struggle. It makes total sense that I’m needing more time alone, having a harder time meeting the demands I’ve placed on my time, and not bounding out of bed every day, and I’ve even napped! LOL everyone knows I don’t nap 😉
I have really thought a lot about this over the past weekend and it is time for me to pick just a few major things I want to focus on, and let the rest go for now, in order to really commit to anything. I don’t want to let people down, and I don’t want to cop out on myself, but there is a point where doing what right is more important and only I can know what that is.
I DO want to be clear with what I want, where I am going, and who I want to be. The only way to do that is to FOCUS. Seriously, truly, and genuinely FOCUS. I am going to do what feeds my soul, not drains it.
I am going to do what serves me, instead of what I feel obligated to do. I am going to follow my heart and not worry about doing things for the sake of doing them.
I have gotten good at saying no, without explaining myself or apologizing, to OTHER people. I haven’t gotten good at saying no to myself, to too many dreams at once, to my jillion ideas a day. I’m ready to be honest with myself about where I am and what I am capable of taking on and doing WELL right now.
This whole mindset shift is just SUCH a relief. Seriously, I know what I am doing now, and I feel great about it.
I’m going to stay sober, but walk away from the books and the studying I’m doing around that. I’m not struggling right now with drinking, I’m only struggling with the responsibility I’ve added to myself about it. I’m going to step back on the reading and studying, and that’s okay.
I’m going to keep going to church and exploring a relationship with God, but I’m not going to commit to all the opportunities I looked up on joining groups, taking classes and serving there. I can go through it at a slower pace, and that’s okay.
I’m going to keep working out 6 days a week, but I’m just going to go to a group workout class, so I can not use my brain for an hour while I’m there. I need to get out of my house, it’s too close to my dishes, my emails, my unmade bed, my laundry to be done, and so on. I love working out at home, but I need something different right now, and I have the flexibility to do it, and that’s okay.
I’m going to stop RSVPing to other people’s local events, and focus on leading the ones that I have scheduled. I am good at meeting people. I already have over 100 friends on Facebook here in Austin. I am a natural leader and love throwing events. I can simply lead and let people come to me, instead of hopping around through the chaos of events, and that’s okay.
As I wrap up my video series on meal planning, I’m not going to move into the next one right away. I have 4 series to launch this year, and I can do one a quarter. I don’t have to run toward those goals, I can walk, and that’s okay.
I could keep going, but I think you get the point. I know who I want to be, and I am not able to be that person when I am trying to go “all in” on too many things. You only have 100% to give, so you cannot give 100% to 10 things. That is not how life works at all.
I want a great community, I want a fulfilling life, I want financial freedom, I want deep relationships, I want a thriving business, I want to serve the world, I want to learn every day and I want to LIVE every moment. THE STRUGGLE IS PROOF THAT I AM DOING EXACTLY THAT. I’m on a new path, and THAT’S OKAY.
I just don’t need to have it all at once. I’m in no rush to get anywhere. I’m going to slow down and enjoy the journey of doing a few things, really well. Excited to feel the sunlight on my petals as I break through the hard ground I’m underneath right now.
It’s time to embrace the struggle to we can bloom, I hope you’ll join me <3