“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”
If you’ve ever read my story, on my blog, you know this is the quote I most relate with.
10 years ago, I had to have my whole life fall apart so that I could build a new one, and man did I go down in spectacular flames.
Divorce, bankruptcy, binge eating, massive drinking, diagnosed bipolar, suicidal, DUI arrest, sexual assault, abortion, 130 pounds overweight, anxiety, and absolutely no self worth.
I was actively burning my life to the ground and I packed in a ton of abuse and recklessness to fan those flames.
I rebuilt an amazing life. Lost the weight, paid off debt, married a great guy, and developed a ton of self worth and self respect.
I did that through a massive focus on escaping the horrible place I was in. I absolutely threw myself into creating a new life.
I was desperate to have something better and I clung to anything I could that would get me there.
It worked, because I never let up. I was relentless in my pursuit of a better me.
Then, a couple years ago, I started to struggle in new ways.
I felt things falling apart again. Many of the lessons were the same, but they presented themselves in totally different ways.
I was watching my life burn again.
This time is different though.
It burnt slowly.
It wasn’t a massive fire, and I wasn’t fanning the flames every chance I had.
It burnt so quietly I almost didn’t know it was happening.
Then one day I looked up and there was a pile of ashes.
A new mom, feeling horrible in her body, and hating her once adored husband.
Neglecting my business led, to struggling to pay for everything without getting behind, and debt creeping up again.
It also left me with no purpose, and no idea who I was, where I belonged, or what I was supposed to be doing.
I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping. I was so angry and lost.
So f*cking lost.
I’ve been putting parts of my life in place, over the last few months, without much thought as to why.
Feeling better, finding a place in San Diego, losing weight, connecting with friends, loving my husband, eating well, and loving my baby.
I kept saying I was feeling like me “again” but really, that didn’t quit fit.
There is nothing “again” about it.
I had a moment this weekend that brought everything together.
It all made sense.
I finally REALLY understood the quote “Sometimes when things are falling apart, they may actually be falling into place.”
I felt it.
This isn’t me just barreling forward and clinging to something.
I’m not desperately escaping.
This time it feels more like the Phoenix rising from the ashes.
I’m actually standing at burn site reflecting.
It’s quiet, I can see it all, hear it all, and I’m taking it in.
Taking it in, and DECIDING how to move forward.
The last time I couldn’t see the purpose, I couldn’t get past the pain, I didn’t understand that I was creating a future as I overcame those hard things.
Now I see the immense OPPORTUNITY of it all.
If it’s all gone, then I can BUILD ANY LIFE I WANT. So can YOU.
It’s like anything is possible.
What do they really all mean? Who will I be? What do I want?
I feel like I didn’t decide before, I feel like that life chose me, and I just ran with it, because it was amazing, and I needed it so much.
I was guided through those experiences to learn, to grow, to get HERE.
Every moment in our life has prepared us for the moment we are in, while the moment we are in prepares us for another.
Now I’m here, and prepared.
It’s like I’ve been placed at the starting line of a whole new race.
➡️ I learned to say no
➡️ I learned vulnerability.
➡️ I learned validating from within.
➡️ I learned to be present.
➡️ I learned to lean in, instead of withdraw.
➡️ I learned to rise, instead of shrink.
➡️ I learned that what I do, and say, in this world, matters a lot.
➡️ I learned that your problems will follow you anywhere.
➡️ I learned that humans are generally incredibly kind and good.
➡️ I learned that prayer will get me further than planning ever will.
➡️ I’ve learned that I define my success, not anyone else.
➡️ I learned acceptance and surrender.
➡️ I learned to appreciate people above all.
…I have learned so much.
I have the skills, I have the clarity, I have the people, I have the vision.
Now I’m ready.
I have everything I need to grow anything I want in the place of what was burnt down, and I know exactly what that is.
The only thing burning here is my passion.
It feels f*cking incredible.
I promise your pain has a purpose, if you’ll be purposely driven.
I promise the lesson you are learning is necessary, if you will use what you learn.
I promise you are being prepared and you are also completely ready.
Your life isn’t waiting for you, it’s happening NOW, don’t forget to live it.
REALLY live it, while you still have the chance.
Live every messy, hilarious, intimate, horrible, fantastic moment <3