I’m too fat, I’m too poor, I’m not educated, I’m a fraud, I don’t fit in, and frankly I’m just not good enough … these are a few of the childhood insecurities that have resurfaced for me over the past month or so.
Most of you know I went to Les Mills BODYPUMP training in August. That was AMAZING. I faced some fears about being in the training and not already being an instructor, not being in shape enough to make the cut, having limited experience working out to Pump outside my living room etc. I did my best, never quit and although there were a few emotional moments, I did more than I ever thought I could. I left that weekend with an incredible sense of accomplishment.
I immediately went on vacation the day after with my family. Oddly enough this is a vacation I take every year that brings up the same insecurities from my childhood that I would expect the BODYPUMP training to bring up. Not being good enough, everyone having something to say about my life and how I’m living it wrong, constantly on the defense. I made the conscious decision to “not rock the boat” on vacation and put my Paleo eating preferences aside. I figured no big deal, it’s 10 days, I’ll be fine. I was trying to avoid judgment and having to defend myself. In the end there were still conversations had about my eating choices that were less than favorable. I didn’t really avoid anything, except the scale and mirror when I got back home!
Since then two separate events happened that I had an emotional reaction to, and this past weekend the meanings all came together for me.
First, I very generous and awesome coach was willing to take me as their guest to the yearly Beachbody Success Club Leadership Conference this year, as I didn’t rank advance in time to go on my own merits. Of course that bothered me a lot but I was down to do whatever I had to do in order to get there so guest it was! As it got closer I was getting depressed, with my best jeans a little too tight, my face a bit broken out, and my normal end of summer tan non-existent. I heard there was a themed party of some kind on Saturday night; All I could think of was that I’m behind, if I had qualified myself I would have known about this and now I’m not going to have time to get a costume. I’m not going to fit in and look as good as all the “skinny girls” because I don’t have time to lose 10 pounds, get a tan and get an awesome costume. What was I thinking going to this event, I don’t belong there, if I was good enough I would have qualified to go on my own. Yep 31 years old and THAT’s where my mind went. Can we all join me in a collective “WTF?!”
Okay, second situation. I went to lunch. Seems like a normal thing to do, shouldn’t be too stressful right? Wrong. At one point during the lunch I found myself being so critical of myself that I think I actually gave myself a headache 😛
I realized I was sitting at table in a place that honestly already makes me uncomfortable (LOL the whole city I was in is a nice reminder of how much money I don’t have :P), and I was there with women who are essentially “everything I’m not”. A millionaire and a personal trainer. Oh jeeze, could I BE any more out of my element??? I found myself anxious about what to order, feeling like every way I was sitting made me feel fat, and really noticing how badly my nails needed a fill. AS IF ANYONE ACTUALLY CARED!!!
The coach I was with had just offered to let me stay in her hotel and give me a free ticket to an event I was desperately trying to go to. All morning while deciding if I should accept this gift, all I could think was 1) what are you bringing to this relationship that you deserve this and 2) omg however will you hold up the facade of being worthy for an entire 3 day weekend.
I have always been open about my downfalls in my fitness journey, but since I’ve been back from vacation, this is the first time that I feel like I’m not “walking the walk” as a coach, and it hits me really deep. I feel like a fraud, like I’m not my genuine self, I feel like I’m back in high school worrying what other people think. All of a sudden I’m in 4th grade again and my hair is a mess, my clothes are old, I’m overweight and Ryan would rather go out with Cheryl because she has boobs already and the cooler I.D. bracelet. (fast forward to my breast implants and obsession with Tiffany’s bracelets maybe?) This is SO not my personality anymore, I’m not that girl, why is she still in there?
When it all hit me on Sunday that I felt this way and what was really going on inside, I did what makes the most sense. I called my Mom 😉 I talked through all of this and she said two things that made me blow my own mind:
1) Why would anyone not like you?
My first thoughts: Hmmm because I’m too fat, not smart enough, don’t have enough money … duh see the title of the post.
2) These people are obviously your friends for a reason.
My First Thoughts: For the life of me I cannot figure out why.
I have spent a long time making my little pond very full of fish and enjoying being big in it. I push myself, I grow, I learn new things, I am the queen of making myself uncomfortable…in MY pond. I’m now on the cusp of transitioning into Elite Coach land and I’m freaking TERRIFIED (I really wanted to use a stronger word there). I don’t feel like I’m good enough, I don’t feel like I deserve it. I am worried that all the other kids are going to make fun of me. It’s a story I’ve told myself for years and then I make choices and complete actions that make the story true. Yep it’s ALL STILL there.
I told you ALL of that to tell you this: I’m going anyway.
Yep that was a lot of build up just to tell you that, I know. The one thing I always tell my challengers and coaches; is it’s okay to be afraid, fear is natural, but it’s not okay to let it paralyze you. THE OLD ME DID THAT. I missed out on so much life because of fear and that girl doesn’t live here anymore. Thanks to Benchmark Courses, I’ve learned that these are stories I tell myself and that they aren’t true. I’ve learned that my destiny is in my own control and that I will not let life happen to me.
I’m going to the leadership conference because I want to be a leader, because I have a team and a SoCal region to lead. I am a good enough person that someone saw value in me to take me as their guest and I can appreciate that, show up, and be the best version of ME. Maybe I’m not “there” yet, but I am a hell of a lot closer than I was last year at this time. It’s about the journey on the way to the person I am going to be and it is my responsibility to face those fears. I’m not facing them just for me, or my team, or the people who will read this post, but also for my future children. I can’t ever let them believe it’s okay to so afraid of their dreams that they don’t get them.
I’m also going to the event I was invited to the following weekend. I’m going to stay in that hotel, and I’m going to fight the voices in my head and go enjoy the experience. I am going to most likely meet some AMAZING people, learn a ton of incredible information, grow from the experience and I would bet pretty much anything … I’ll be just fine 😉
I wanted to readdress the two statements from above:
1) Why would anyone not like you?
I’m not really sure, maybe they are haters, or miserable with something in their own life, possibly jealous, have no sense of humor or just hate fun 😉
2) These people are obviously your friends for a reason.
Yeah because I’m pretty awesome that’s why. I’m loyal, funny, caring, dedicated, always willing to help, make things fun, recognize the beauty in all people, I can rock a pair of heels and a dress like few can, sexy even when I’m not trying. I am driven, dependable, and 100% worthy. I make people’s lives better by being in them. Do I have room for improvement? Yes of course, but everyone does!
The moral of this whole story is that we all have fears, and limiting beliefs about yourself, that could hold us back. The CHOICE to let them is up to you. This was not an easy post for me to write, but as my mom pointed out, some good can come out of this experience if I use it to help someone. I hope it helps YOU! May your dreams always be bigger than your fears <3
Your courage gives me courage. I’ve watched you grow and help others grow and it’s been very impressive. When you begin to doubt yourself just remember the lives you are touching and enriching just by doing what you do. Keep being you!
excellent post…. you are courageous! continue to kick ass!
This is why I’m glad that you are in my life. Even in a small way. It’s a great reminder that we’re all human and no matter how far you’ve come, there’s always that crazy voice in the dark corner of your brain. You rock lady! 🙂
Wow, wow, wow. What a brilliant and raw post. I think you got to the core of what so many of us think and feel. Thank you for sharing and for always being an inspiration.
You are brave, strong, wise, insightful. And you are very young to be all of that. The work (on yourself) you are doing now will serve you everyday of your life.
Awesome and as always, inspiring. You go girl! 🙂
Amber, You mirror mine and many many more peoples thoughts when you write these blogs. Difference is you have the dedication, spirit and brilliance to write is down and share with everyone. You swim just fine in the bigger pond because you are good enough- YOU have changed yourself and so many others, celebrate the fact that you rock you and you have a million people standing behind you cheering you on.
omg you said excately how I have been feeling for weeks now!! awesome blog!!
I just Love you! That made my day 🙂 You are good at making my day!!!
Awesome, Amber…thank you so much for sharing!
I would rather have a coach thats been through sh** t and understands me than a coach who has a perfect life with perfect thoughts. You are awesome.
I have goosebumps, my friend. Its weird that it took moving three states away to REALLY get to know you but I’m so glad that you have been brave and open enough to share so much of yourself with all of us. I’m thankful for your voice, I’m grateful for your friendship even from afar and I’m absolutely blown away by the courage you tap into (even when you have to dig reeeeaaaly deep to find it) every day to keep fighting for those lofty goals.
We are all proud to be your friend because of those qualities listed and so many more. I’m proud of both who you are and who you are fighting to be and you’ve helped me kick my own butt more than once just by showing me how its done.
Much love, my friend and go rock the hell out both events, ya hear?
I can not wait to see the results after October 21 2012
Amber, this is your Mom … I am proud of you, the reply comments posted before me should let you know you are not alone if lifes moments of “junk” Good job in putting into words for yourself and others to gain clarity with directional courage. Can’t go over it, can’t go around it, can’t go under it …. walk straight through it. Still think we could all write a book titled “WTF!?” ha-ha Lv Mom