What Was I Hiding From?


I was on Facebook the other day, shocking I know, I promise the post will get more insightful than that. Anyway, I was on Facebook the other day and one of my challengers mentioned she was watching a video of me doing an interview when I was heavier. I of course immediately thought she was talking about the interview I did last January on a plane with the CEO of Beachbody. I was heavier, by about 30 or so lbs, it just made sense.

She insisted that wasn’t the video and I went searching for it on YouTube. I found this video I did from 2009 at my old job as Digital Marketing Consultant:

I watched the video with a bit of awe. It was odd to watch myself back then. I was at my heaviest in 2009, I guess around 260-70 lbs somewhere. The thing is I had a great job, I was president of my business fraternity, I had an excellent GPA,  I was recently married and even at that weight, I was still pretty. On paper, my life was fantastic, I just had a weight problem that didn’t seem to be stopping me from too much, you know as long as no one checked my bank accounts 😉 It would have never occurred to me what I was actually missing.

When I watch the video you can see things that just weren’t apparent back then. I was hiding. I was clearly afraid, uncomfortable, unsure, and was in no position to lead anyone anywhere.

Today I sit at my computer typing this to you today at 168 pounds. The thing is, the changes that REALLY happened in my life you can NEVER see on a scale. I mean does it really matter how much weight I’ve lost when you think about everything I’ve DONE in last 3 years since this video? If you think about the person I slowly uncovered, not with every pound lost, but with every experience gained?

I’ve left that career and that marriage. I’ve graduated college, won multiple awards from that business fraternity for alumni accomplishments, I’ve paid off well over $20,000 in debt, I’ve finished P90X on the first try without a single missed day (only 2% of people actually finish it), I’ve built  team of hundreds of coaches, I have thousands of clients, and I’m engaged to be married, for real this time 😉 I have real connection with people and a love for the world I live in. I know who I am, what I want, and I can see how to get there. I am incredibly comfortable in my own skin, and confident in almost any situation. I am happy almost every single day. I have built a life most people can only dream of.

I’ve also cried, omg I’ve cried. I’ve wanted to quit. I’ve faced a LOT of fears. I’ve done so much personal development I am pretty sure I am on a first name basis with Daren Hardy and Chalene Johnson LOL. I have been frustrated and filled to the brim with self-doubt. I’ve felt like I wasn’t good enough and I’ve let my thoughts about my past hold me back from some aspects of my future. I’ve been so afraid that I’ve been paralyzed or thrown up. I’ve stayed up all night and I’ve cried myself to sleep. I’ve been overwhelmed and confused. I have cussed, oh how I’ve cussed, at my TV, at my body, at my poor coaches LOL. I’ve spent a lot of days un-showered, I’ve felt hopeless, and I’ve lost sight of my vision now and again. I’ve binged, and I’ve drank too much, and I’ve hurt some feelings along the way. I’ve lost some coaches not knowing what I am doing, I’ve given some terrible advice. I’ve lost some friends, and some family, and for every one gone, I’ve gained 10 new ones. For every night I didn’t sleep, I slept like a rock from exhaustion 6 others. I’ve had set backs and self-sabotage along with a lot of therapist appointments and loud music just to hold it together. Nothing I’ve accomplished was easy, hell I think I like to take the hard way on purpose or something.

I’m crying right now because I the best part of all of this was that with each of these moments I came back a little bit stronger, I learned a lesson, I learned about myself, and I learned about the world. You can feel it every time you get a little better and you love yourself a little bit more. I’ve gotten to shape my own destiny and move toward a future that I couldn’t have possibly imagined. The biggest lesson in all of this for me is, I never in a million years would have been able to dream up THIS LIFE. This incredible life that I have, where I wake up to every day knowing I get to create an adventure, where the possibilities are limitless and the world is filled with love. I was so afraid, and I didn’t even know from what. Was simply the unknown? Possibly. But I do look at that girl in the video and and I just want to ask her “What the hell are you hiding from???” take her hand and tell her “There is a beautiful world out here, come live in it”. I can’t tell her, but I can tell YOU.

This is a JOURNEY not a destination. I’ve said it before (see article about cookie dough 😛) and I’m going to keep screaming it from the rooftops … or my computer at least. I couldn’t have had any idea this was the person I was going to end up, but I was able to see just a little bit beyond where I was that day. Every time you pass the person who you thought you might be some day, and become even greater, it changes you forever. Please, please, please celebrate your non-scale victories in your life and revel in the beauty you already have, in the strength you gain each day, in ever emotion you experience  You have no idea how that moment may be shaping your whole world, as well as the worlds of so many others.

If no one has ever said this to you before, hear it from me now. I BELIEVE IN YOU and I know in my soul YOU ARE DESTINED FOR GREATNESS.



  1. I read this and i guess i did need to hear someone say it..i broke into tears after reading the last line. Thank you so much for writing this. You are awesome. Hugs.

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